


seaside improvisation

by chemicalburnfromthespiralperm



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Drugs, Gen, Marijuana, Mentions of Wincest, Post-Episode: s12e02 Mamma Mia, Season/Series 12
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-27
Updated: 2016-10-27
Packaged: 2018-08-27 07:55:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8393437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chemicalburnfromthespiralperm/pseuds/chemicalburnfromthespiralperm
Summary: His own mother, who is technically younger than him, has just walked in on him getting high.  The last time she saw him he was an infant, and now he's 33 and smoking a bowl in the supernatural hidey hole he and his brother found when they were trying to close the gates of Hell.
Awesome.
Sam and Mary get high and talk about their feelings.





	

"Sammy? What are you doing?"

Sam's too high to be scared by her but he knows if he were sober he would have pulled a gun on her for scaring him. He can only look over at her after he lets out a large cloud of smoke. His own mother, who is technically younger than him, has just walked in on him getting high. The last time she saw him he was an infant, and now he's 33 and smoking a bowl in the supernatural hidey hole he and his brother found when they were trying to close the gates of Hell.

Awesome.

"Mom, I - "

"What is that?  Is it -"

"No, no!  It's fine!  It's just -"

"Calm down - I was wondering if that was cached or not."

Oh, my god.

"I'm... No? It's good for a few more hits?"

"Don't look so surprised, Sam. I was in my 20's in the 70's. Hand it over."

Sam's eyes grow wide, but he shrugs and sits up, handing the small pipe over to her. Dean doesn't know, though how he can't is beyond Sam. Maybe he's had too much going on or maybe he knows and isn't going to shame Sam for how he deals with years of a lack of agency over himself. Getting high makes all the bad feelings ago away.

Getting high stops the PTSD flashbacks.

Mary takes a big hit and Sam is surprised when she doesn't cough. There's an idea of her as some perfect kind of mom - a mom who cut the crusts off things and a mom that only smiled when Dean refused to eat a vegetable instead of forcing him to, and yet, here she is. Getting high with him. She was still just a kid herself when she died.

"That's smooth. This stuff is so different from when I used to smoke it."

"It's a hybrid, sativa dominant. It's called Girl Scout Cookies. It's Snoop Dogg's favorite strain. He's uh, he's a big rapper. His music is good. Um, it's amazing, the weed. It gets you high without putting you to sleep and stuff."

"You wanna talk about what happened back there?"

Sam can feel anxiety lurch in his stomach, but he's just high enough that it doesn't bother him. He feels like a tilt-shift photograph, a thousand miles away and he looks tiny compared to her. When Sam gets like this he can feel the vibrations of the universe, like he's on a drone and looking at everyone from miles above. When he looks into his brain it's all fancy clothes and waterlilies on the pond, floating in milky water color rivulets, bright washes of orange and lilac, colors that mix beautifully and look beautiful. Sometimes Sam feels beautiful. Sometimes Sam can see himself floating down a silver riverbed, devastated clouds follow behind him.

"I... I haven't even told Dean yet. I have to tell him first. I haven't really... I don't know."

"I know you don't know a damn thing about me other than that I'm your mom, but you can talk to me."

She takes another hit, but she continues speaking through holding her breath.

"I never... I always dreamed of myself being the mom that you guys could talk to." She exhales. "About girls, sex, boys. I wouldn't have cared if either of you were gay. John might have had trouble, but I would have loved you just the same until John finally realized how dumb he was being. I would have been okay with telling you I didn't like your girlfriends and you guys would have taken my words to heart and listened to me because we had such a good relationship."

Sam has a to laugh a little.

"I have a lot to talk to you about, mom."

"It wouldn't be so weird for you guys to call me mom."

Sam frowns, takes the pipe from her and sets it beside them. It's getting colder now in Kansas and Sam definitely minds. He hates the cold.

"It's not weird, at least, for me. I know it should be. You're my mom and I couldn't even talk when you died. I never got to call you mom while you were alive."

"Well, if it's any consolation I love hearing it. All I wanted was to be a mom, your mom. So, what's the most important thing you can think to tell me? We can play 20 questions."

Sam does laugh for real this time. She's so cute. She's exactly who she wants to be and nothing else. It's incredible.

"I, uh. I'm not straight. I'm queer."

"Queer... they still use that? I thought that wasn't nice."

"They use it different now. There's more than just gay and straight now. Bisexual, pansexual, asexual, queer. Queer is kind of an umbrella term now. It means a lot of things, not just gay or bisexual.  I'm not straight.  I'm not gay.  I'm kind of both, but I'm not bisexual."

"Do you have a girlfriend or a boyfriend?"

"Not...  quite."

Mary sighs, watches for a moment as her breath curls around her, and reaches to grab the pipe again and takes a nice hit.

"Neither of you are what I imagined you to be. How did you get so tall? Both of you are so handsome. You look just like John. He would have hated your hair, that military thing. He gave me shit for letting Dean's hair get so long, but he liked it."

"Come to think of it," Sam says, his high getting more cerebral as his chest starts to float, "they never talked about you. They'd sit around bottles of beer and whiskey and talk about you like you were some precious secret, like I wasn't allowed to know about you. Like I... like I wasn't good enough to know about you."

Mary reaches over and grabs his hand.

"Looks like we were both deprived of each other."

She's smiling in a way that Sam had dreamed of her smiling at him. He'd had a thousand dreams about her and a million different expectations of her, but none of them were better than the woman that was sitting here in front of them. Sam supposes he has it easier than Dean -- Dean had memories. Sam just had expectations.

"You're... I don't want to put any pressure on you, but you're amazing. You're everything I ever wanted you to be. You smell like cookies and... and flowers. Roses."

"I think you're high, sweetie. This is... way more intense than it was thirty years ago."

"I think I'm high, but I'm not a liar, high or otherwise. I wouldn't lie to you, mom. I don't know if I love you. I feel like I do, but... I meant it. Dad and Dean kept you a secret like they guard the nuclear codes in the White House. I asked about you once when I was six and Dean almost throttled me. I was always asking questions, too many questions, and I was always punished for it. I know why, I get it, it makes sense. Losing you hurt them so much but for me, it was always that you can't miss something you never had. I wanted to miss you."

"Sammy, it's okay. Nothing you did before now matters. I promise. If you want to tell me about it, it looks like you've got a whole lot of weed and I've got a whole lot of time."

"Mom, you're probably gonna find out sooner or later that there are a series of books, actual books, written about me and Dean. Don't read them. They tell a lot of... stuff..."

"Don't read the books written about my kids. Got it. Anything else I need to know upfront?"

"I'm... I'm so glad you're here."

"I'm glad I'm here too. Even if it's just for the weed. This is amazing!"

If he really thinks about it, they were both robbed of each other, through no fault of their own. She's probably just as scared of he is as she is of him... and maybe it's the Girl Scout Cookies or maybe it's the fact that his dead mother isn't dead anymore, but he feels good. At least, right now, despite the crippling trauma that's clawing inside of him.

The weed helps. Mary being there isn't half bad either.


End file.
